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Showing posts from 2017

To someone

Dear Love, I'm sleeping tonight with a heavy heart knowing that I let you sleep without clarifying things especially the one you most needed to hear. I've been a coward. Sobrang mahal na kita to the point that I'm thinking how long I could keep you. I know you feel that I'm still having doubts about your feelings. I tested you and I honestly expected you to disappoint me but it turns out I'm disappointing myself. I have doubted your love for me when it was my heart that is needed to be assessed. I'm sorry Love. I'm sorry if I'm lacking affections towards you. I'm sorry if I'm keeping secrets from you. I'm sorry if I am always doubting your love for me, for I am always afraid to come to the point ( or this point) na sure akong mahal na kita ng sobra and comes out hindi parin pala ikaw. Natatakot nnaman ako Love. Natatakot ako na baka mg-assume ako na ikaw na nga tapos hindi parin pala. I've been there and NEVER WOULD I WISH that to h

Paranoia

When you know you're no longer a priority? I guess I should've been used to this long time ago. It's been years yet it still haunts me. "You'll never find someone who will love you like I do." And I guess that became my curse. I'll never have that kind of man again in my life. People will judge but I started not caring. I felt love but I decided not to entertain the feeling more. My whole system have been mess since that day I say "I'm tired. I wanna end this up" when in reality I wanna scream "I still want you in my life!" And I accepted my faith. I'll always be taken-for-granted. A friend will always scold me for being that smart girl who knows a thing but would still pursue until she gets tired of it. I guess I am that coward enough to admit that I mess things up, so badly. Who cares? I'm done. So much done with Boys playing over my feelings that I decided to play with them too. When I get tired, someday hopef

Advice

People nowadays follow the footsteps of who they associate their life with or who they follow most on social media, forgetting to realize that they could be someone else. Someone better, someone's story who's more inspiring and someone who mark in people's lives without being a copy of their idols. I've been very observant this past few months. I became so very open to people I thought I could depend my life on, whom I can trust and feel free to open my sensitivities with but comes out, I've been wronged. Being an introvert is not a joke but people nowadays use that word as if its a good thing to be trending. It is a trait, a personality one must consider and give respect to. I'm never been one of those who outcast to the world how I suffer bcoz of this trait. And now that I'm out of my shell, my own world that I created before, my safe haven, I'm happy to announce that somehow I'm no longer that girl who used to be misunderstood bcoz of that tra

Last Blog Entry for this Year

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Semi-Annual. 2017 Highlights. Trying to recall what this year have done to me, what significant events I've been in and how I'll end this year brought me into tears. I don't know if this is out of happiness, loneliness, sadness or all of the above. Just when I posted my need for a new planner for 2018, I decided to flip the pages of my current planner which happen to be a diary-sometime. Tears started streaming down my face the moment the 'Address List' shown the names of individuals I consider for keeps and I'll treasure for the rest of my life. With their infos (Name, Address, Mobile, Birthday and Email), I choose to label them by categories (e.g TROPA, Baks & Mga Pare), Friendships (Schoolmates in High School), For Keeps (Bestfriends for years, 5years+), and Close Friends. And just when I thought everything was 'Okay', I am saddened by the fact that not all of them 'Stay'. 😢 I have this lump in my throat upon realizing I wasn'

Genuine Happiness

I am not perfect but I'm happy and contented. Contented in a way that I feel grateful in every blessings that came in my life. I have goals and I believe that God's perfect timing will always the best. I wouldn't question that. I take things slowly but surely. I am not the smartest nor the dumbest and stupidest. I've made mistakes but I am forgiven. I've been hurt but through time, I heal and forgotten the cause of it. Life is so full of surprises. From that little girl that whines everytime I don't get what I want to the lady of today who accepted the fact that 'Life is cruel!", I am proud of what I become. I accepted that not everyone will like me but it is not my obligation to please them. I change because I want to and it is for the better but not to the point that I've forgotten my self worth. A balance life between Academics, Social Life and Spiritual aspect is all that I wanted. I am happy that I rebuild my confidence and strong bond with

Pighati at Dalangin

Medyo seryoso ang blog post na to. Just to inform you. "Hindi lahat ng tao magugustuhan ka. Matuto kang tanggapin yun. Isinilang ka sa mundong ito para maging mabuti at paglingkuran ang Panginoon mong Diyos hindi para maging mabuti sa paningin ng iba sa paraang nakakalimutan mo na kung sino ka." Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan ang entry na to. Ang tanging malinaw lang sa akin ay "Nalulungkot ako at napipighati." Ipinapanalangin na lamang sa Ama lahat ng hindi ko kayang isaad gamit ang mga salita. Alam niya na iyon. Alam kong batid niya ang laman ng aking puso. Ayokong manisi. Ayokong mabuhay muli sa poot at galit. Hindi na ako yun. Kinalimutan ko na ang yugto ng buhay ko kung saan ay puno ng kalungkutan at galit. Subalit tao parin naman ako. Nakakaramdam pa rin. Nakakalungkot lang na may mga taong kahit wala ka namang masamang intensyon ay pilit na pinapalabas na masama ka o may pansarili kang interes. Hindi lahat ng sinasabi ko ay para ma

Being an Original

This is not to be selfish but just a reminder to be an original. I once said before to someone na "Nakakapagod kasi magpanggap. Nakakapagod maging perfect . Yung gusto kong gawin ang isang bagay pero masisira ang image ko at ng magulang ko. At hindi ako masaya sa ginagawa ko." From that day on I urge myself to have the courage to be someone I want to be. This is Me  ng Camp Rock ang naging theme song ng buhay ko noon. Mahirap sa umpisa dahil sanay ako na iniisip muna ang sasabihin ng iba sa lahat ng gagawin ko. Takot ako na maging iba kaya kahit hindi ko gusto, nakikiuso ako. Trying hard to be accepted ika nga. I want the society's approval. Yun nga lang, hindi ako masaya. So I created a world where everyone could see my development and growth as a person. I decline most of the time to invitations that could lead me into pretending again. The virtual world opens me the opportunity to express myself freely. I don't really know myself before. I am a product of b

Morning Grind

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Blogging becomes a habit when I don't have anyone to talk to. These past few days staying in the executive house seems to be so relax that I think we really forget most of the times our primary goal in entering this house. Hindi ako magmamalinis. I know that I've been fond of those activities as well. Playing badminton, UNO, daily exercise routines, movie marathons, playing the piano and chitchats. It's hard to say NO and have the gut to say "Guys! Focus!" when everyone is having fun. But then, 2 weeks had passed and I think the enjoyment of being free from household chores, nagging parents, noisy and irritating siblings seems to be the top priority. When its 10pm already and there's still a pair or two who's playing Badminton and a group of 5 or more yelling out of joy because they've won the game is a normal thing? Hays. I don't wanna ruin their moments but I am saddened by the fact that WE ALMOST FORGET. 😢 Tryin' not to b

Idk

I don't know how this feeling inside me began to envade my confidence and trust to anyone including myself. I can't help but question every motives and impression towards me. I started to feel threaten everytime someone has to do bad or offending to me. I tried to stop this paranoia for I know this is not healthy. Losing faith and confidence to everyone is consuming my whole being. The security of having someone to stand by me seems to be the utmost qualification to every single person who wants to enter my world. I'm aloof, a closed-case and off limits to anyone who wants to break me. I started to build boundaries when someone started to make me feel unworthy of their attention and response. I respond to people depending on how they make me feel. It sucks to think of them all the time but it become a habit to me observing them,listening to them and formulating judgments base on the sequence of their actions. I guess I really had a lot of choices in choosing my field of int

Body Shaming

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While scrolling at my IG Feed last night, a post from @lo_young, well known as the GMA Kapuso Actress and little sister of the Miss World 2013 Megan Young, Lauren Young got my attention. She talks about how she struggles about body weight in years and how her doctor tells her that she's suffering from diabetes and has a bulging disc that explains why she suffers pain in her back. It got me thinking how unwell my health this past months. Not known by everyone but I got irregularities, acne and pimple breakouts, severe hair falls and a pain in the head from time to time. Since then, I am adviced to do a healthy lifestyle which I hardly follow. I am used to sleep less nights and eating behaviours I hardly convince myself to take care off. I am so used to an unhealthy lifestyle where it involves not eating on the right time, junk foods, burgers amd fast foods can do my day, and NO EXERCISE that makes me weak since I stop for a year of physical activities. This doesn't really a

In-House Review

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Struggling lately what to write and now I vomit words endlessly in mind. Forgive me if it frustrates you but Idc nwys .. It's my blog! So just to inform you my reader, if you are, I've been living in an executive house since the 14th of November. It was part of my degree program. An in-house review to become a Certified Public Accountant (CPA). The 1st night was just fine. I don't understand why my mates tend to scare themselves off. They believe in 👻👹👽. Mark DLS, a friend of mine since high school days warn me not to be too fond of the receiving area because of some creatures that is living in the house for I don't know how long. I didn't believe it anyway. Not until they show up. I'll just make excuses if they'll just make ' paramdam' so anyways, nevermind them. As I enter the house, it was all new in my eyes. Aside from my grandma's antique house in Calabanga and Angie's Spanish Era built house in Cagsao, this h

Introvertedness

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I always ask myself every now and then "What do I really want to do with my life?" Yes. I do have dreams. I set short-term and long-term goals for myself and for my growth. I read and travel every now and then only to satisfy my societal needs. I did things to fight my own fears and continuously explore things I don't usually give a damn before. I love tranquility. The ambiance of being in a deserted place, a nature specially. I enjoyed things that gives me peace. And yes! I am an introvert by nature. People tend to misunderstood my perspectives. Thinking I'm such a snob and of high maintenance or anti-social. Without further arguments, I don't hate people. I'm not anti-social. I can be with people but I can't stay long having conversations with them. Yes I am loud! But I can be loud only if I feel like I needed to be heard. I get irritated easily, especially by people who are only good at talking. I am different. And I love that.

The Test

It was a horrific day for all. A moment that everyone has been waiting for. An announcement that would determine our faith for the next step towards our long term goal – College Graduation. I have self-doubt. Heavy to be defined but I look up to days where I’m feeling uneased and torn between still wanting and losing will to continue. I know myself. I am a warrior, been down and stand again several times. No amount of failures will knock me down. I guess this is what BS ACCOUNTANCY have done in me for the past 5 years. I have to. I have to be strong, to be brave, to never give up and to continue the fight despite of all the mocking and judgements that people keeps on throwing at me. I once said, “Once I started, I will never stop until its done!”. And Yes! I am that kind of person. I accepted the fact that I live in a cruel world where many will envy you, many will knock you down, many will never understand you and it’s not my obligation anymore to make them like me. I am who I am a

What it takes

As I was looking for my notes to review, a small notebook came to my attention. I remember myself having a big obsession on papers and pens that I write randomly whatever comes in my mind. I brought it here in Lomeda House remembering that I wrote lots of motivational quotes in here coming from social media sites and the books I read. Unknowingly, as I scan the pages of the notebook, a diary entry dated on the 17th of January 2016 came up. I can freshly remember how I come up to such entry. Let me share to you the story behind the notebook and some of its content. “It’s okay to lose people but never lose yourself.” The 1st page of the notebook has this quote. I have a class in the evening on that day. It was a marketing class if I am not mistaken. I didn’t come to the class even if it was just a few walks from my boarding house. Yes! I was living just in front of NCF that time. Alone, I wasted time and money going to centro buying some stuffs and groceries to stock. I went to Hon

And I think of 'it' again

Friday the 13th. I started off the day feeling excited and feeling that kilig bcoz 'This is it! I'm graduating!'. I had to sleep early last night and woke up early today so I won't miss anything. And though I awaken with a pain coz by a pimple in my in my nose, I still feel alive. Pictorial goes Fun and Beautiful and Elegance flaunted inside the studio. I love the groupies, of course. We all do love groupies coz that what binds BSAs and my TROPA. On the other hand, I was feeling uneased on the inside. I know I've been lacking today. I didn't get to response quickly on messages, even that one coming from my Mom. I know its bad but please do understand that I treasure every moment I spend with my Love ones. I don't want to ruin my time with any one. I don't start up arguments. I suck at them actually. I hate them coz I know it would just awaken that 'thought' again. And so it happened. All was okay. All was fun until I was triggered to burst

Nakakapagod Na

Minsan yung taong akala mo masaya at buo ay siya palang malungkot at wasak ang pagkatao. Malakas ako. Yan ang paniniwala ko. Kailangan e. Mag-isa lang ako. Kailangan kong maging matapang para sa sarili ko. Kailangan kong maging malakas para hindi ako tuluyang bumagsak. Kailangan kong matutong bumangon ng mag-isa upang hindi apak-apakan at pagtawanan ng iba. Matapang ako, Oo. Pero may hangganan din ang kakayahan ko. May hangganan din ang pasensya ko. May emosyon din ako. Tao din ako. Alam ko, alam ko hindi ako perpekto. Kailanman ay hindi magiging at ayoko dahil pakiramdam ko hindi ako yun. Masaya naman ako e. Masaya ako sa tuwing nakakatulong ako. Masaya ako kapag nakakapagbigay saya din ako. Masaya ako na nakikita kong masaya ang ibang tao. Masaya ako kapag natatamo nila ang kanilang gusto. Pero minsan naiisip ko, masaya rin ba sila para sa akin? Masaya rin ba sila pagmasaya ako? Masaya rin ba sila pagnagtatagumpay ako? O binubuhay ko lang ang mga damdamin nila upang hangarin na sira

Just please Don't.

Don’t ever turn your back on her. She will wake up in the middle of the night sobbing uncontrollably and screaming into her pillow praying to God that the pain will end soon. She will reminisce on every single thing you two did together and it will feel like a thousand claws scratching at her throat knowing she will never get to watch the stars with you again, or make you breakfast, or fall asleep next to your warmth. Don’t leave that girl who would give up her entire world just to see you smile for one second because she will have a mental image of your smile playing on repeat inside her head and she’ll have to fight with everything in her to not call so she can see it one last time. We’re falling apart, I know. But can we keep us? At least the friendship we had if it wasn’t that selfish of me to ask?

Another Year of Bestfriendship without YOU

Hi! Alam kong STALKER kita at binubuksan mo parin mga accounts ko kaya mababasa mo to.. hopefully. I don't wanna sound hypocrite and all knowing na ako naman tlga ang may kasalanan kaya we are not in good terms.. for years! :( Pero I still want you to know that no matter what happened between us, I still treasure and treat you as my great great BESTFRIEND. 7 YEARS Sungit! 7 YEARS kitang laging kaaway. 7 YEARS mo akong nabully, ... nasesermonan, nababatukan and all.. Hindi naman siguro ganun kadaling kalimutan yun diba? When half of my Life, you've been there..playing all the roles a male could be. You loathe me, I know. I'm giving you all the right to continue hating me. Ako may kasalanan kaya wala ako makausap, wala akong maiyakan, wala akong punching bag pagnagrarant na ako at wala ng kumukontra sa lahat ng sinasabi ko. Namimiss lang naman kita, Bespren. Kaaway, Tatay, Kuya, o Boyfriend man kita, ikaw parin si SUNGIT ko na tinanggap ako kahit ang pangit-pangit ko, an

CONSISTENCY

I always love the sincerity shown in actions. I don’t care about the face, the money or the fame. They are all a shallow reason for me to fall in love. I always fall into the consistency of feeling in love. I always found myself drown into the idea of being in love with a man who knows how to put an effort to make me smile, to make my knees go weak and to always take my breath away, keeping all the insanity in me scattered. The idea of feeling his breath at the side of my face, the heat behind me and the warmth I felt while enclosed inside his arms. Just that moment alone is perfect for me. How I wish we could snuggle under the stars in the sky at night telling every details of our every day and future plans. To have an unspoken agreement of being together while achieving our goals set before we had our US. I don’t know when did I start imagining things before I go to bed and wake up with the feeling of possibility of seeing you today. You got me the moment you spoke. I don’t ca

Afraid

I am a bird with broken wings. I want to fly yet I’m afraid for the hard fall once the pain strikes. I’m afraid I can’t make it through my destination and get stuck in the forest full of predators. I’m afraid I can’t fight the odds along the way, including the air that should be in my favor. I’m too afraid. Too many people watching my every step, waiting for my downfall. I’m afraid to make them happy, to give them reasons to mock me and suddenly I realized, are they my haters or my fans? They keep on waiting there, waiting so they could create a story with ending I haven’t started yet the journey. Too much attention I’m getting when they have they own lives to be fixed. Yes, I am broken. I am weak and I am imperfect but do I deserve the amount of time everyone is taking just to watch me? I pity this people. If only I could teach them to be productive at their own craft, maybe I could make the world better. I’m afraid for myself because I’m letting this people live in both my two ea

Susuko na o Lalaban pa sa 'Di ko alam kumg tayo' status

”Kung mahal mo talaga, wag mong iwan ha? Wag na wag. Antayin mo, hanggang sa mapagod ka, hanggang sa kaya mo. " At napagod nga ako. Tuluyang sinukuan ang pag-asang .. magiging tayo. OFFICIALLY. Hindi ka mahirap mahalin, sadyang nakakapagod lang. Dumarating talaga ako sa punto na mapapagod, magpapahinga at kinabukasan magpapakatanga nanamang muli sayo. Yung magagalit ako pero isang ngiti mo lang at tukso okay na ulit. Nakakaewan pero anong magagawa ko? Mahal kita e. Dalawang taon tayong ganito, in between ng magkaibigan at magka-ibigan. Tayo ba? Oo? Hindi? Ewan? O ako lang talaga tong nag-iisip na may tayo kahit wala naman talaga? Sabi nila TAYO. Sabi ko EWAN. So sa choices na binigay ko, iisa na lang ang natitira. HINDI baa ng sagot mo? Kasi kung Oo, ano pala to? Ano pala yung mga tinginan, mga hawakan, lambingan, asaran at tawanan? Wala lang ba sayo to? Nakakabobo e. Pagod na ako SM. Sana maintindihan mo kung isang araw magbago ako at malaman mong hindi na ikaw ang lala

2 Years of Nothing

Today is May 9, 2017. I was imagining before that in 2 years we’ll gonna’ pass that ‘Just Friends’ status but look at us now, feeling strangers to each other, being civil and don’t care about disappointing the expectations of people around us. Pathetic how I found myself secretly stealing glances of you when you’re not looking. Assuming as I may sound, I caught you doing the same. Haha. I don’t really understand why you didn’t even make a move on me. You once said, “umiibig ako”, attached herewith is my picture. You’re always confusing me, may it your actions or your words. You always ignore me when I’m the one approaching you, but found you being pissed off and hurt (according to my brother) when I’m the one ignoring you. You’re being jealous when I’m at someone’s crib having fun and all, posting a group photo with other boys but you are not telling me to stop. Damn you boy for always confusing the hell out of me. Miles apart with no communication and living life, separately! T