Saturday, June 15, 2019

Why I'm gone for a year

On being grateful and appreciating life gifts.
Always be Grateful,
Some people are wishing to have the life that
you have while you chase for the life
other's have.


So I stopped making entries the moment I decided to enter review school, but been saving notes and prose from time to time especially when no one was there to listen. I have learned to reduce my stress and anxiety thru writing.

I had doubts. Of course, I wasn't a pro.
I have to learn things for my content to get reads and for my blog to have visitors. Unfortunately, that provides low self-esteem, pressure and a lot of thinking. "I can't do that!", "I don't know how to create that!", "That's too much of a work!", most of my lines as I was researching on how to improve my blog site. Urgh. I just want to write, to pour my heart and that's all.

For a moment, I forgot why am I even here in this platform. What is the purpose of my writing?

Then I look back to my very first entry.

I can still clearly remembers how tears are brimming at the sides of my eyes while composing it. And while rereading it after a long time, I feel proud for myself for still being here, for being the strong woman I know now.

And that hit!

Back then, I don't care who reads. I honestly don't want anyone to know I have a blog. Not because I am shy for them to know that I am in this kind of platform but because I used to hide everything from the world, especially when it comes to the topic that brought me so much pain. But who am I kidding here? This is an online world, everyone is bound to get the chance to read. And so I accepted that fact and even created more entries and promote them.

This is a welcoming entry after all this time. Ang tagal nadin pala simula nung huli.

There will plenty of memories that wasn't documented here, the good and the bad. I was hurt for almost a year.. Nope. It wasn't because of my current partner. I am genuinely happy and fine with my current relationship. But you know? I wasn't the smartest nor always the bravest so I have to embrace myself and stand up again and again. I get tired from time to time but I always remember that even a strong woman get hurt. I would like to say 'exhausted' but I believe that's too much to describe my situation for the past year. Maybe just tired .. tired to chase goals and dreams that I feel like it wasn't for me, tired to show to the world I was doing perfectly fine when I just want to quit and lastly, tired to prove myself to others that I am worthy of their love and respect.

Eventually, I learned to ignore. I learned to stay passive. I learned to be brave enough to say no. I learned to value self-worth and self-respect. In other words, I learned not to care about what people who doesn't matter in my life is about to say or comment.

This is my life and I live my life the way I want to live it. Beyond expectations and entitlement, I learned to be happy and contented and to use my skills and abilities to survive this cruel world.

Welcome to the real world Ash!
Where everyone wants a piece of you, where everyone has a say towards your choices and decisions. where everyone wants your attention just because they see you are doing well in life.

Well, I now stand to stay with people who stays, who believe and who educate. Let the inferiors get envy, the insecure cure their own incapacity to cope up, the judgmentals to believe what they see but don't understand and most especially, let people wonder how you do well in life while they can't focus on themselves.

Self growth had done me a great job.
It opens up my mind to bigger opportunities to continue learning while growing. And I am grateful for the people who contributes to that, the good and bad.

I now resign as being the people pleaser and embrace my own authenticity.

Monday, May 13, 2019

Faded

At the end of the day what matters most is that

I'm still me. I don't lose myself .. again.

Saturday, November 17, 2018

Depression has No Face

So it is indeed true that when you feel it, there would be no sign when and why are you feeling it.

Depression could kill as they say.
But in as of writing, I'm not thinking about it. I'm still thinking. My brain still remembers what I had promised, Never Again.

It has been a rough month for me. Going the same routine day by day. I want to do something but I don't know what that is. I want to have something ( my dream house ) but I know my resources can't purchase it yet. I want to be somewhere, somewhere I felt loved and belong and I know exactly where it was. I am suffocated in this area, can't even have the courage to see the sun rise like I used to when I'm at somewhere I consider home even if it wasn't mine by title.

How low can I feel more?
I have things and features somebody out there would want to have but I'm not happy anymore.
I lost my every plan on what to do everyday, like I haven't set any goals. Or I have but can't execute them yet. I hate being broken.  I hate being confined. I hate starving for the things I want to do. For the first time in so long, I'm defeated by my emotions. Can anybody feel me?

I am well-lived. I have a house, money, beauty, friends, loveones, diploma, job, partner and God. But at this very moment, I still feel incomplete. I feel empty. I felt like I'm sick and tired of my life. I want something to lit up my mood, my spirit, my living. I want to do something that would make my days productive. Maybe it is the thing that is lacking, I used to do multiple jobs in a day and now that I'm completely stuck in one, my system is lacking. I feel sluggish. I feel tired and unmotivated. My body is also craving the high intensity work outs that I use to have. I want to do it here but the environment just so not fitted for those things. I'm getting weaker everyday. And I'm afraid that if the next days won't give me the energy and reason to work, I'll see myself in that hospital bed again. I don't want that to happen again. It reminds me of something sorrowful.

I've done my journals to make me feel good, including this blog post. If you happen to read this and feel the same way, please don't symphatize with me. Let's just find someone who could lift up our spirits coz I'm afraid what two negatives could do in the end of a conversation whether it's verbal or online.

Monday, October 22, 2018

How I started the habit of Morning Pages

Morning Pages

"Being taught to be grateful has changed my life drastically."

I added to my morning routine few months ago the concept of 'morning pages'. At first, it's really hard to fill up those empty pages every morning and the test is to stay positive, determined and hopeful. It was hard to begin with because you tend to think about all the task you had for the day, the tasks you haven't done yesterday, the big tasks you haven't done in time, your tight schedule and worst, you lack that motivation to do them all.

It was on the channel of Amy Landino where I first seen this. Tried it the next morning right away.

Morning pages is so refreshing!
It actually changes the way you see things that is coming. It gives you hope and life!

So let me do a 'kwento' why I am writing this one.

I woke up this morning at around 4am.
It is the day I wish the night was longer enough to prepare me on what's coming next in my life.

Judgment Day.
The results are out for like 3 hours ago. I didn't wait for it. I slept around 8:30pm last nigh, too early than my usual 12am sleeping time.
I'm just so burnt out that day. I don't know maybe I was just occupying every time I have so not to be bothered much on what is inevitable.

So I WASN'T IN THE LIST.
I don't know what to feel. When people ask me "Are you okay" I answered with positivity and they don't believe me. Well, I myself don't believe that I wasn't affected. But I don't feel anything.

8Am came and I just woke up again.
I did my usual morning routine including my morning pages.

Writing this time is strange.
The task is to write at least three(3) things you are grateful for and I wrote
1. God
2. Me
3. Relationships

When I wrote those 3, it was so broad.

When I wrote God,
I thank him for the guidance, the divine election I was still holding in, the church duty I still have, the opportunities that keeps on knocking my emails this past few days, the people I was reunited with, the time I had to be fully equipped with knowledge and skills and my family who has been there behind my back, ALWAYS.

When I wrote Me,
It was something I haven't realize before.
Along with my review, I also learned to be okay with people, to deal with people, to know what is worth fighting for, to stand up for my own beliefs, to voice out what I'm afraid to do so before, to be strong for my women, to deal with my own demons, to not be afraid of what is coming next. Additionally I was able to connect with the right people, the strong and willed. Gone is the woman who don't know what to do with her life, who doesn't know where to stand.

Indeed, I really invested in myself for the last months and it was the greatest thing I did for myself.

When I wrote Relationships,
God knows how this word shattered my heart years ago.

I came from a broken family and having a good relationship with my Mom and my only sibling is really hard. I can't say we are now perfectly okay, bc that would be absurd. But I like the communication we have now. Unlike before that I don't really like the talking among us.

My friends, I have groupS.
My group of friends are not that big but I am happy.

My childhood friends including my churchmates and my elementary classmates are the most treasured. Why? They'd seen me in my worst already but still accepted me and continued being my friend up to this day. We may have different lives now, but a one text/chat/meet up is like time never lapses amongst us.
Hey Sarah, Abegail, Gladys, Beverly, Lea, Nica, Andrea, Jessa and Lynneth.

My High School Bhesties Princess and Suzette are my unexpected bestfriends. No we do not belong in the same class nor in the same batch but we talked and treat like we. Met them and been close to them since 2011 and up to now we have that strong bond like bestfriends since birth. They are my professionals bhesties now. Haha.

My J181 Family, the SAMSUMAFA and the outside SAMSUMAFA Friends like Angela, Lara, Rizza, and Diona, and of course Nica, they are my friends whom I share most of my Unforgettable Memories with.

My Secretariats Family, they are so real! They treated me like I've been with them since PNK Days and I love the spirits of this people like Masaya lang at sama-samang tumutupad ng tungkulin sa ating Panginoong Diyos.

And my most recent group, the Sugod Team - Hyacinth, Jullie, Maeve and Jai, well, Fangirling gets hype when the push is there.

Please include in my Relationship my Lovelife! Chos 😅
To my Love, I never thought you'll come in my life. Like you came right in time and hopefully you are my right love too. You treated me the way I wanted to be treated and respected me. Thank you.

There's no reason to mourn!
Being a CPA is just a Bonus. I am already blessed with the comfort of this life, the love of my people and the life lessons that I have learned.

Will see you on my next battle. 😉

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Road To The Title


"The journey wasn't easy.. and there is no shortcut towards success!"

I am contemplating whether I'll make this or just post the photos we took instead of making it a blog banner.

I can't hardly remember everything and that's the truth. Meanwhile, the experience of taking up the actual board is meaningful. The BUS/VAN-Lag sucks including the heat that came with it, the room hunting,the sleepless nights, the pressure and disappointments as well as the adventures.

I'd like to narrate what I felt while on it but seriously, I had a selected amnesia right after. Haha. So let's begin from the beginning.

I wasn't feeling well at all. I was sick for weeks being unable to attend 4 subjects in the Preweek schedule. Despite being sick, I managed to catch up on things slowly. Great thing we are a week ahead from other review centers in the country, thus we are given another 4 days to prepare for the actual board. I had to admit that I'm not confident to take the board given the circumstances that my study is being limited by my poor eyesight. I can't stand to study long hours so I had to be smart when it comes to timing my 'peak' period. Fortunately, I am a reader eversince. I can read fast and comprehend everything that I read. I have a weird schedule of studying and my Lomeda mates knows about it. Since it is an ACTUAL Board, I had to add more hours of studying than the usual. So instead of studying from 4AM - 6AM(self-review) plus review classes like the usual, I study from 2AM - 6 AM and then 11PM-2PM when I don't have review classes. Yes, I am a night owl.

I can say I hardly push myself in the beginning that I suffered from Overfatigue. I can't remember when was the days I attended my review classes that I'm okay. My immune system got weaker and weaker but I still do it because I need it. Eventually, I had to take my leave. I remember those times that I had to stay outside the review hall because I was chilling. Also, I had those times where instead of going to the review center, I'll go to the public library because I can't concentrate and my head is spinning. And yes, I look so cool on the outside but I'm freaking out in the inside because I can't study well. And while writing this, I am moving my head from left to right from time to time because it is just today that I realized how frustrated I got and how stressful I can be.

I can say that we really had our own stories to tell.

I am thankful that My Mom respect my time and give me the space I want. It was hard to travel approximately 30 minutes a day plus a 15-minute walk each day going to the city to attend my review. For about 5 months, I had to endure the heat, the rain, the mud, the rough roads, the long roads, the scare that the night is giving me when going home and the lack of motivation to continue the review while staying in a sitio. Aside from the hard walk and travel, I also had to ignore and be okay with the 'eyes' that continuosly look down at you, the gossips you'll hear when passing a group of people who dreamt too low and the noise of the people who doesn't know the word 'consideration'.

Being a reviewee feels like being a detainee.
There would be people who already accused you even before proven guilty.
I am kept. When you are a reviewee and was saw on social media posting about your travels and activities, they would think you aren't serious with your review thus being a reviewee deprived you from the things that you love doing because people will always have a say.

Above all the hardships, everything is bound to end. It's now finally done and hopefully all the sleepless nights, the tears of disappointments and frustrations will all be worth it.

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

On being Authentic: Being an Original

Authenticity

"I am in competition with no one because I have myself to compete with."

People nowadays always tries to impress. They value the opinion of others more than their own voices. They take everything so seriously like they don't have control with their own minds. We often get affected by what we saw on social media, often forget that life on it is "perfect" and far from the reality.

Yes, I am also guilty on that.
Most people labeled me as a 'social media addict' and well, I won't deny it. It's part of my life since I was in 1st year college. Nobody knows how this thing is giving me life. Nobody knows how just tuning in everything that's happening is paying the bill. Nobody knows how everything that was posted is giving me energy and reason to still live on.

And yes I was labeled a 'social media addict' on the negative side.
Funny, how this people can't reach my voice even if I'm on it all day. Everyone thinks I'm an open book but nobody knows what I'm up to.

Privacy and secrecy comes hand in hand.
I use every ways available to win a game nobody knows I started. I use every vehicle to get on top without notifying my predators. I was a snake, ready to bite.

On the other hand, I use my weaknesses in my advantage. When people told me, I can't I actually do it. When people make me believe at something, I believe the opposite of it. When people tries to command me, I do what I want and repeal all the odds that comes in my way. Why? Because I learned long time ago that 'yes they want to see you succeed but not to the extent of surpassing them. That's how cruel people can be.

In today's generation where everyone else tries to impress, tries to belittle your capacity to win a game and tries to make you forget how great you can be, be the opposite and do the thing in reverse. You'll see how things can be great if you only believe you can.

Monday, October 15, 2018

Shine on!


"I am an educator, not an influencer."

When you say influencer, they follow your steps, used the product you indorse and do what you do as they see how you do it and that's not good after all. They don't value authenticity. They just copy you because they believe it is what is good and right for them too.

On the other hand, being an educator is on another level. You yourself enhances your own knowledge. Just like how teachers attended seminars, workshops or enroll in a Masteral Degree to enhance their knowledge before implementing it to their students. Being an educator is a responsibilty, a responsibility to learn, to implement in yourself and to educate others.

It took me years before I discover what I want to become. It took me years before I learned what I want to do in life. Years of being unknown, of doing what other's told me to do so or what everyone else is doing. I wasn't popular but I am contented with the lives I am touching because of my voice, the way I communicate and how I free others from their own demons and fears.

Communication is the key.
I wasn't best at it. I am an introvert who's afraid to be corrected by others so I just let my ideas subside inside of me. I talk just to have an opinion because that's how conversation works for me, and not to talk because that is what my heart says and because I believe my own voice is powerful.

In today's generation, being careful is a MUST. Everyone has a say on your doing whether it's good or bad and learning how to choose words that would affect you is a skill. Words could kill. I must say.

I am empowered by the women I look up to in my life. I am proud of the woman I am becoming because I have the right people in my life, the right audience (my ladies 😉), the people I follow all these years and most especially, I am equipped with the doctrine and teachings of God.

I am nowhere PERFECTION.
Being a realist and optimist at the same time is confusing. Like how can you stay positive always in this cruel world? Reality hits but you always choose your battle to fight on. You preserve your energy to something that is worth the fight. You don't jump into EVERY Fight that is available. You are a warrior, not a warfreak.

On being Authentic: Being an Original

"I am in competition with no one because I have myself to compete with." People nowadays always tries to impress. They value ...