The Test

It was a horrific day for all. A moment that everyone has been waiting for. An announcement that would determine our faith for the next step towards our long term goal – College Graduation.

I have self-doubt. Heavy to be defined but I look up to days where I’m feeling uneased and torn between still wanting and losing will to continue. I know myself. I am a warrior, been down and stand again several times. No amount of failures will knock me down. I guess this is what BS ACCOUNTANCY have done in me for the past 5 years. I have to. I have to be strong, to be brave, to never give up and to continue the fight despite of all the mocking and judgements that people keeps on throwing at me. I once said, “Once I started, I will never stop until its done!”. And Yes! I am that kind of person. I accepted the fact that I live in a cruel world where many will envy you, many will knock you down, many will never understand you and it’s not my obligation anymore to make them like me. I am who I am and I am confidently happy of who I am today.

Going back, it was confirmed. 13 out of 28 didn’t make it. I felt truly blessed that I passed the subject. This is what I want and everyone is wishing for and I faithfully prayed to God and faithfully attended all my duties to serve him just for this ONE MAJOR prayer. I wouldn’t be so plastic pretending I wasn’t happy for myself because others didn’t make it. That’s hypocrisy! Of course, if I am anybody you would feel glad you passed! But that is what I felt for myself. And I don’t think being happy and grateful is a sin.

On the other hand, I feel sad for others. That is because I prayed that everyone will go to the next level of this journey altogether without being left-behind. I can’t blame my God if he didn’t give it. Maybe because I’ve been there. I prayed to be like others, to pass a subject so easily but I didn’t make it. I belonged to the 6 students who retake a subject because I lack. I lack in effort, perseverance and patience. At least I learned to address my own mistakes and deficiency. I’m done with the blaming game. I didn’t come to this point in my life right now where I am truly blessed, happy and grateful because I have this habit of blaming others. I matured through times because I learned the hard way of accepting my own mistakes and moving on with my life tougher and braver. I am not the “pa-victim” type of a person. I think and I act. There’s no other way to address a failure than to fight back. Have control in the situation and be what you want to be. F*** with what others will say. This is my life, my rule, my style!

I know that maybe I am not the kindest at this point. I am the kontra-bida in the story at the moment but I wouldn’t apologize for being me. Especially when you lack respect and attitude my dear. You still have plenty of FAILURES and DOWNSTREAMS to experience before you could be me. Failures doesn’t define me. They make me. And for you, a one blow is enough to make you outburst? Oh c’mon! GROW UP! That’s it. I didn’t give a damn to your crab mentality. I wasn’t born to please you nor anyone. Live with failures and I’ll tell what its like to be me.