What it takes
As I was looking for my notes to review, a small notebook came to my attention. I remember myself having a big obsession on papers and pens that I write randomly whatever comes in my mind. I brought it here in Lomeda House remembering that I wrote lots of motivational quotes in here coming from social media sites and the books I read. Unknowingly, as I scan the pages of the notebook, a diary entry dated on the 17th of January 2016 came up.
I can freshly remember how I come up to such entry. Let me share to you the story behind the notebook and some of its content.
“It’s okay to lose people but never lose yourself.”
The 1st page of the notebook has this quote. I have a class in the evening on that day. It was a marketing class if I am not mistaken. I didn’t come to the class even if it was just a few walks from my boarding house. Yes! I was living just in front of NCF that time. Alone, I wasted time and money going to centro buying some stuffs and groceries to stock. I went to Hong as well without anything to buy. I just feel the need to unwind. After all, it was my first time to live in the city all alone. I feel tired. Not literally. I escaped. I escape from a place where it reminded me so much of my mistakes and the past that keeps on hunting me. So the story of the little notebook happened when I bought it there.
Depression – I can hardly remember how I let this issue consume me. This notebook reminded me that once a Shiela Mae lose herself. She’s sad and lost. Without a life, she continued to live. “I’ll be Painhearted Ashlei, always.” She believed.
“I wish someone may save me from drowning, telling me to moved on and have a life again. To care when I don’t care at all. To understand thou I’m not understandable. To be there whenever I need someone to lean on. To be willing to be my handkerchief, pillow and a blanket.”
“But then, NO ONE IS THERE. I’m all alone in this journey of desperation to move on. To live a life.”
“DEPRESSION it is. I’m on the verge of drowning from this pain. I feel like there’s a rope in my neck willing to kill. My hope is wreck by circumstances that make me weak.”
2 years of not minding the pain. Of telling and reasoning to everyone that I am over it. But that night, I admitted to myself that I’m not really okay! I’m in pain! And I’m losing my will to live. :’(
Yes! The strong and independent lady of today been in that kind of situation. I lose myself once but I wish it wouldn’t happen again in the future.
Truth is …
It was in 3rd Year College when I broke up for real with my long-time boyfriend. He wasn’t the 1st but he was the great love and everybody in my High school and church mates including my clan knows him. They thought we are over already after that big news. It was a shocking news for all of us but we have to accept that it is really happening. But then, we love each other that much that I forget about my principles and choose to stay with him despite the fact that someone needs him more than me. I am that selfish. I wasn’t perfect and if you would read my earlier entries here you’ll found out how this blog reveal all my mistakes as a young teenager. I wouldn’t be proud of it but I just feel the need to write it down when I don’t have anyone beside me that would only listen without judging.
So I decided to stay away from the place where it reminded me so much of my past. I transferred here in the city to start anew. I struggle living alone for I’m not used to it, especially when I’m away from my family but then I survived. I guess living here does good to me. I may not bring back the old me, the one they had before all that unfortunate things that happen but I’m thankful I had a new life. The one I can say “the life I created for myself”.
Everything happens for a reason indeed. I learn to love without losing myself again. I learn to prioritize the things that matter. I grow up and matured in time. Time heals a wounded heart, really. And lastly, I learn to trust my faith in God. I tied a better and stronger bond with him. He wouldn’t let me suffer that heartaches again for I believe he would give me the man that deserves my love and would love me without any complications.
I can freshly remember how I come up to such entry. Let me share to you the story behind the notebook and some of its content.
“It’s okay to lose people but never lose yourself.”
The 1st page of the notebook has this quote. I have a class in the evening on that day. It was a marketing class if I am not mistaken. I didn’t come to the class even if it was just a few walks from my boarding house. Yes! I was living just in front of NCF that time. Alone, I wasted time and money going to centro buying some stuffs and groceries to stock. I went to Hong as well without anything to buy. I just feel the need to unwind. After all, it was my first time to live in the city all alone. I feel tired. Not literally. I escaped. I escape from a place where it reminded me so much of my mistakes and the past that keeps on hunting me. So the story of the little notebook happened when I bought it there.
Depression – I can hardly remember how I let this issue consume me. This notebook reminded me that once a Shiela Mae lose herself. She’s sad and lost. Without a life, she continued to live. “I’ll be Painhearted Ashlei, always.” She believed.
“I wish someone may save me from drowning, telling me to moved on and have a life again. To care when I don’t care at all. To understand thou I’m not understandable. To be there whenever I need someone to lean on. To be willing to be my handkerchief, pillow and a blanket.”
“But then, NO ONE IS THERE. I’m all alone in this journey of desperation to move on. To live a life.”
“DEPRESSION it is. I’m on the verge of drowning from this pain. I feel like there’s a rope in my neck willing to kill. My hope is wreck by circumstances that make me weak.”
2 years of not minding the pain. Of telling and reasoning to everyone that I am over it. But that night, I admitted to myself that I’m not really okay! I’m in pain! And I’m losing my will to live. :’(
Yes! The strong and independent lady of today been in that kind of situation. I lose myself once but I wish it wouldn’t happen again in the future.
Truth is …
It was in 3rd Year College when I broke up for real with my long-time boyfriend. He wasn’t the 1st but he was the great love and everybody in my High school and church mates including my clan knows him. They thought we are over already after that big news. It was a shocking news for all of us but we have to accept that it is really happening. But then, we love each other that much that I forget about my principles and choose to stay with him despite the fact that someone needs him more than me. I am that selfish. I wasn’t perfect and if you would read my earlier entries here you’ll found out how this blog reveal all my mistakes as a young teenager. I wouldn’t be proud of it but I just feel the need to write it down when I don’t have anyone beside me that would only listen without judging.
So I decided to stay away from the place where it reminded me so much of my past. I transferred here in the city to start anew. I struggle living alone for I’m not used to it, especially when I’m away from my family but then I survived. I guess living here does good to me. I may not bring back the old me, the one they had before all that unfortunate things that happen but I’m thankful I had a new life. The one I can say “the life I created for myself”.
Everything happens for a reason indeed. I learn to love without losing myself again. I learn to prioritize the things that matter. I grow up and matured in time. Time heals a wounded heart, really. And lastly, I learn to trust my faith in God. I tied a better and stronger bond with him. He wouldn’t let me suffer that heartaches again for I believe he would give me the man that deserves my love and would love me without any complications.
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