I WANT TO KNOW ..

 

This day has been so tiring. I am hating the fact that I can't really go on the day as planned. The things I can't control annoyed me that I just want to throw myself in the river. As much as I wanted to move on with my life with a brand new hope that I could finish what needs to be done right away, I am feeling stuck with the thoughts in my head.

"Be contented and be grateful."
That was the line that keeps on playing in my head last night. They say in order to be happy you have to be contented. You have to be grateful. Maybe this is the thing that is lacking for the past months. Ever since I started working again, I feel pressured to make "bawi" with the year that has been lost trying to figure out what I really want to do with my life. I want to put everything in place. I want to have control over my life again. I want a lot of things that sometimes I feel like I am not living the present. I am pressured to live a life in the future. I tried to be present with my friends and colleagues, that's the least I could do. I don't want to make the same mistake again of not giving my time and making them feel my presence. Thank you Abby for the lifetime lesson you have given me.

As random as this is going.. I am completely in love with the "peace". Out of the pressure Social Media is giving me. I am now more okay with being disconnected. I realized my SocMed consumption is giving me so much stress and anxiety. I now love the mystery of not showing up and letting them wonder what had really happened with my day and time. It also gives me a lot of time in accomplishing tasks and being productive all throughout the day. I can now read books, watch youtube and make unli-chika with friends.

You don't really need too much of someone's attention. Maybe I just got used to it. When somebody used to talk to me allthoughout the day/night, I always felt empty when it stops. The same thing happened when I broke up with Adrian. I just wished we could turn back the time when we used to talk until morning comes. We both know we have our own "difficult" world to face when daylight comes but the having a rant person the night before could release all the stress and negativity to face the day with a smile. Our relationship is better off just being friends, just being each other's companion. Hadn't it when someone gives in to the idea of "being in a relationship", maybe we are still in the talking stage right now.

I had so many regrets in life. I lost a lot of people because of that. I am a difficult person. I know I am not worth keeping for. I used to push people away because I want to protect myself. I want to get rid of unwanted feelings. But sometimes I crave for attention and I don't know anymore who needs to call. I don't want to be nuisance to anyone. I feel like everyone is already carrying a lot in their shoulders for me to add weight on it. How I position myself in someone else's life is like a paper. I am here when you need me but I can also be thrown away when you find another clean sheet to write notes to. But you can always go back to me for reference. I might have the most needed information you wrote before.

You see, I credit myself poorly that sometimes I wonder when people stay. I always question them and when they cannot give me an answer, I walk away. Because why is it so hard for them to tell me my worth to them? I want to know.