Confused again..

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 I'm starting to doubt myself again. I'm doubting my feeling and decision. Afraid that I might lose someone again for feeling this.

I'm a coward. I've been a coward before and I think I'm being one again this time. I love him just like I loved Sungit before but I am also afraid for what is in store for us. I don't know his intentions, I don't have any ideas of his plans and what is it we are looking forward in the future. I always wonder where I am right now in his life but all of that wonders started to fade away the moment I hear his voice and read his chats/text. I am very confused as to what to do with feeling unsure. I know I want everything to be clear between us because if not, I might get lose of my grip again TO HIM this time. I am so used of letting go of someone since I lost him. I don't know. They say it's a reflex or a defense mechanism since I don't want to feel that pain again.

I reread OUR story. The main reason I am feeling all this. This is all my fault I know. I am starting to seek for the love and attention my former lover has given me. I am starting to seek validation of what are we right now because he never gave me anything. His actions does not meet his words anymore unlike Sungit who are more expressive both in words and actions. I know this is unfair because I am in a relationship right now and comparing my present and past lover is really unfair. I don't want to justify my actions and feelings anymore but the lack of communication really kills a relationship. I am actually not feelin' it when I message him on New Year's Day but being the 'responsible' and committed girlfriend that I am, I still did because I don't want to be questioned. I still live by my relationship mantra of "Doing the best while in the relationship and not AFTER it ended" because efforts are no longer appreciated after that. I don't want to be the one to blame that I didn't give enough that's why I've been left.

Whatever happened when he gets home, I am afraid I might give up this relationship, AGAIN. I've been with Sungit for 3years and 4months and we are heading to 3years and 3months and let's just see what will happen because with all honesty If I made it to move forward before,I know I can again this time. I just love wasting time on people whom I know will not be part of my journey til' lifetime right? I don't know. Maybe I am bound to stay single forever. I am a coward right? I don't know how to fight for what I want and for myself. So the only person who could fight for me will be my forever. If it wasn't him, I don't know anymore. Maybe I'll just focus on getting rich, inspiring others, getting degrees and staying young and beautiful.

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