I KNOW WHAT I AM HEALED

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 That hit me.


I never heal. I know I am still hurting. I know the trauma is still there. I know I'm still afraid. I know I am scared na baka nga totoo.  I just buried it at the back of my mind.


Takot ako na baka wala ng magmamahal sakin gaya ng pagmamahal na binigay niya. Takot ako na baka eto nalang talaga ako, looking for the kind of love na hindi ako magsesettle for less, na secured ako at may assurance. Kasi ang hirap magbigay ng buong pagtitiwala. Ang hirap magbigay ng buong pagmamahal. Ang hirap ng laging nag ooverthink. Alam ko pinaparusahan ko sarili ko. Alam ko di ko pa napapatawad sarili ko. Wala akong regret sa desisyon ko pero alam ko di ko magawang maging masaya kasi wala namang nagbibigay ng assurance sakin na deserve ko mahalin ng buo. Ang dami kong insecurities. Ang dami dami kong tanong sa utak ko na di ko mailabas. Ni magtanong nanginginig pa ako. Kasi paano kung ako lang yung handa? Paano kung makaoffend ako or makaturn off?


I had to file a leave today. Kasi inaatake nanaman ako ng anxiety ko. Nililibang ko sarili ko pero hindi ko alam bakit naiiyak nalang ako bigla. 


This blog was made initially to let my emotions flow. Bahala na si Universe kung sinuman makakita or makabasa neto. Ayoko na bumalik sa pinakaunang blog post pa ng blog na go only to get reminded of what I've been through. Ang mahal mahal magpasession. Wala din akong time para dun sa ngayon. Kailangan ko iahon sarili ko sa mga nararamdaman kong to. Kung nasasaktan edi iiyak. Kung masaktan edi move on ulit. Ano ba naman yung another 2 years para makapag move on diba?


I just know I need to fight my own demons. Self, parang awa. Sampung taon mo ng pinaparusahan sarili ko. Andami daming gustong magmahal sayo pero pinagtatabuyan mo dahil sa takot mo na masaktan ka ulit. Masyado kang reserve ghurl. Deserve mo mahalin. Tama na pag iinarte. Magiging masaya ka ulit. Kahit umabot pa ng isang dekada ulit ang paghihintay, magheheal ka.


Kinaya mo noon, kaya mo ulit maging malakas ngayon. Magiging masaya karin. Maging matapang ka lang.

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