REALTALK

 I don't know what's worse,

me pretending that I had moved on from the trauma

or

me realizing I am punishing myself. 🥺🥺

Whenever I saw a vid of a couple I wish we could be, I couldn't held but shred some tears because realistically that wouldn't happen. For 4 years, I already know what I allow him to do with us,with our relationship. Siguro tinanggap ko nalang na "Ito nalang tlga siguro ang deserved ko."

And then I would go back to his phrases,

"You will never find someone who could love you and treat you the way I used to."

Ninong passed away yesterday morning. The only  reason I got not to hate the place completely. The place where all the memories,good and bad, actually happened. Gusto kong paniwalain ang sarili ko na okay na ako. For the past 6 years, ang OA ko na kung hindi padin mawala ang sakit.

It is not the hurt that haunting me,it is the consequences of my actions. I let go kasi naduwag ako. I let go kasi feeling ko nabetray ako. I let go kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na takot ako lumaban.

I LET GO.

Siguro nung mga panahong yun tama ang desisyon ko pero habang tumatanda ako mas narerealize ko na iba siguro buhay ko,namin ngayon kung kami parin. Right person at the wrong time ika nga. Siguro Oo, mahihirapan kami kasi tatlo na kami. Pero masaya ako.

For the past years, inisip kong okay na ako. Hindi na ako nasasaktan sa mga huling salitang binitawan. Kaya siguro ito ako ngayon, pinapanindigan ang kung anong meron ako.

PRIDE? Siguro nga. Gusto kong isipin nila na okay ako,masaya ako. Hindi totoo na hindi na ako ulit magiging masaya.

When the truth is, everytime I would see beautiful couples living normally, naiinggit ako. Gusto ko rin yun. Gusto ko rin yung inieffortan. Or siguro kasi ganun sia? Hindi masalitang tao pero ramdam na ramdam mo ang pagmamahal dahil sa effort. Kaya nga inggit na inggit mga kaklase ko dati sakin diba?

Niloloko ko lang sarili ko pagsinasabi kong "Hindi ko kasi Love Language." Wala lang tlga ako makitang effort.

Masyado akong sinanay nung isa e. I have someone to tell EVERY FUCKING DETAILS that is going on with my life. Every valentines,birthdays and holidays, may natatanggap ako. Laging may pasurprise na something mysterious but meaningful. Anuba? Alam niyang Wattpad girl ako. Not materialistic but I appreciated even a single letter coming from him.  Kaso sinunog ko na diba? Wala na mga yun diba? 

Hindi ko alam bakit ko kinukwento to? Siguro kasi  12MN nnaman. Haha. 12:02 am. He may not be the TRUE LOVE but he will always be the GREAT LOVE. I could give someone my whole body,mind and spirit.. even soul,but not the kind of heart and love I have given him. The level of love I once offered to him is in no measure to anyone. So deep that it destroys me. So pure that I had to question the kind of love I give to someone else. So understanding and faithful that I had no doubt of the love he has for me.

And I know up until now, I am the love of his life. Only that, I couldn't return to the way we used to be, even if includes being friends again. I cannot say that. How can you be friends with someone who broke you, who destroys you,who made you question every person's intention towards you??

I CAN'T BE FRIENDS AGAIN WITH AN EX.

Anyways,itulog ko na to. Nagugutom na ako. Ang drama ko nnaman e.

Btw. It was September 7, 2013 when we first broke up. Dahil dumating na si Jiro sa mundo. Happy Birthday to our Angel! 😘😘 I truly love that kid. He made me realize I have a kind heart.

 I just hope I could receive the kind of love I give out because I honestly thought I am punishing myself in staying in a relationship where I am undervalued,unappreciated, and unclear.

Siguro hahayaan ko muna to hanggang sa tuluyan na akong mapagod at bumitaw. .kung handa nga ba akong bumitaw. Ang hirap manghula kung wala namang direksyon. Sapat pa ba ang mga rason para magstay? Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam. Nagsisimula na akong kwestyunin ang mga intention.