Why I'm gone for a year

Always be Grateful,
Some people are wishing to have the life that
you have while you chase for the life
other's have.

So I stopped making entries the moment I decided to enter review school, but been saving notes and prose from time to time especially when no one was there to listen. I have learned to reduce my stress and anxiety thru writing.

I had doubts. Of course, I wasn't a pro.
I have to learn things for my content to get reads and for my blog to have visitors. Unfortunately, that provides low self-esteem, pressure and a lot of thinking. "I can't do that!", "I don't know how to create that!", "That's too much of a work!", most of my lines as I was researching on how to improve my blog site. Urgh. I just want to write, to pour my heart and that's all.

For a moment, I forgot why am I even here in this platform. What is the purpose of my writing?

Then I look back to my very first entry.

I can still clearly remembers how tears are brimming at the sides of my eyes while composing it. And while rereading it after a long time, I feel proud for myself for still being here, for being the strong woman I know now.

And that hit!

Back then, I don't care who reads. I honestly don't want anyone to know I have a blog. Not because I am shy for them to know that I am in this kind of platform but because I used to hide everything from the world, especially when it comes to the topic that brought me so much pain. But who am I kidding here? This is an online world, everyone is bound to get the chance to read. And so I accepted that fact and even created more entries and promote them.

This is a welcoming entry after all this time. Ang tagal nadin pala simula nung huli.

There will plenty of memories that wasn't documented here, the good and the bad. I was hurt for almost a year.. Nope. It wasn't because of my current partner. I am genuinely happy and fine with my current relationship. But you know? I wasn't the smartest nor always the bravest so I have to embrace myself and stand up again and again. I get tired from time to time but I always remember that even a strong woman get hurt. I would like to say 'exhausted' but I believe that's too much to describe my situation for the past year. Maybe just tired .. tired to chase goals and dreams that I feel like it wasn't for me, tired to show to the world I was doing perfectly fine when I just want to quit and lastly, tired to prove myself to others that I am worthy of their love and respect.

Eventually, I learned to ignore. I learned to stay passive. I learned to be brave enough to say no. I learned to value self-worth and self-respect. In other words, I learned not to care about what people who doesn't matter in my life is about to say or comment.

This is my life and I live my life the way I want to live it. Beyond expectations and entitlement, I learned to be happy and contented and to use my skills and abilities to survive this cruel world.

Welcome to the real world Ash!
Where everyone wants a piece of you, where everyone has a say towards your choices and decisions. where everyone wants your attention just because they see you are doing well in life.

Well, I now stand to stay with people who stays, who believe and who educate. Let the inferiors get envy, the insecure cure their own incapacity to cope up, the judgmentals to believe what they see but don't understand and most especially, let people wonder how you do well in life while they can't focus on themselves.

Self growth had done me a great job.
It opens up my mind to bigger opportunities to continue learning while growing. And I am grateful for the people who contributes to that, the good and bad.

I now resign as being the people pleaser and embrace my own authenticity.