Depression has No Face

So it is indeed true that when you feel it, there would be no sign when and why are you feeling it.

Depression could kill as they say.
But in as of writing, I'm not thinking about it. I'm still thinking. My brain still remembers what I had promised, Never Again.

It has been a rough month for me. Going the same routine day by day. I want to do something but I don't know what that is. I want to have something ( my dream house ) but I know my resources can't purchase it yet. I want to be somewhere, somewhere I felt loved and belong and I know exactly where it was. I am suffocated in this area, can't even have the courage to see the sun rise like I used to when I'm at somewhere I consider home even if it wasn't mine by title.

How low can I feel more?
I have things and features somebody out there would want to have but I'm not happy anymore.
I lost my every plan on what to do everyday, like I haven't set any goals. Or I have but can't execute them yet. I hate being broken.  I hate being confined. I hate starving for the things I want to do. For the first time in so long, I'm defeated by my emotions. Can anybody feel me?

I am well-lived. I have a house, money, beauty, friends, loveones, diploma, job, partner and God. But at this very moment, I still feel incomplete. I feel empty. I felt like I'm sick and tired of my life. I want something to lit up my mood, my spirit, my living. I want to do something that would make my days productive. Maybe it is the thing that is lacking, I used to do multiple jobs in a day and now that I'm completely stuck in one, my system is lacking. I feel sluggish. I feel tired and unmotivated. My body is also craving the high intensity work outs that I use to have. I want to do it here but the environment just so not fitted for those things. I'm getting weaker everyday. And I'm afraid that if the next days won't give me the energy and reason to work, I'll see myself in that hospital bed again. I don't want that to happen again. It reminds me of something sorrowful.

I've done my journals to make me feel good, including this blog post. If you happen to read this and feel the same way, please don't symphatize with me. Let's just find someone who could lift up our spirits coz I'm afraid what two negatives could do in the end of a conversation whether it's verbal or online.