Misery - A Weeklong Update
It has been a rough week for me. I shed so many tears, heartaches, pain and disappointments. I tried my very best to remain tough and kind but to an extent, I'm still human. I am weak.
Thankfully, my faith in him is stronger than my emotions.
Saturday. I ruin my own schedule.
Originally, I had to attend to a duty early in the morning but to my surprise, I'm not well when I woke up. Hours later, I'm in a lot of pain already. Then it hit me. It's the time of the month already.
Happily accepted my situation and feeling thankful it came right in time but I had to endure the pain.
But then the pain becomes unbearable.
I cried and prayed to ease the pain but I already suspected that this is another condition other than simply dysmenorrhea.
Let's skip that part where I confirmed my expectations.
Accepted the condition my OB told me, I decided to come into my senses and do what I gotta do like nothing happened. Internally, I'm breaking and scared. Of course, I will always have that scare for myself, for my future, for my dreams and the impact it would give to my mother.
When evening came, I tried to tell my boyfriend my condition. Disappointed, he was not in the mood to be patient with me to understand. So I just cried myself to sleep like I always do.
Next day came and I'm still thinking about it.
How much money I would need to cover my expenses on medicare without being a burden to my hardworking Mom. I know that we are financially broke this month knowing we did not receive the income we are expecting to flow to cover my brother's tuition fee and my tuition for review classes.
Like I always do, I go on with my life and tell no one what mess I was in. I'm still mad and hurt with my boyfriend so I decided not to entertain any text messages and ignore whatever communication apps he wants to connect with me. If he don't have the time to understand me, then I don't have time to entertain his bullshits too. I have so much in plate already to settle than to have an emotional breakdown. I'm a total wreck already. Physically not fine plus emotionally drained.
I tried my very best to look good on the days I should be looking pale and sick. I don't want anybody to notice my weakness thinking it would just add to my misery.
Luckily, I have my concern boy friends to always look upon me. They know, I don't need to tell. True friends e? They always remind me to take my meds, to take a walk or work out and always ask how I was feeling. Just how grateful I am I have this people in my life. They are also reviewing in Manila right now but they always find time to check on me even in their busiest schedules.
Next day came, it was devastating.
Like I woke up everyday with sore eyes and deal with my life like the night that passed wasn't hurting.
I went to my review classes and just how life is throwing everything to me all at once, I had to face another problem.
It took me hours thinking on how I would break to my Mom the news that my payments are due. And I'm actually 2 days late. Shocks! I've been feeling all the bad news that came earlier to notice that deadline.
So I bravely embrace myself for her reactions.
And to my dismay, even how strong I can be I will always have to deal with the realities of life.
My world stops at the thought of me not taking the CPA Board examination. We don't have the means to pay the balance and it sucks because I was battling between withdrawing my savings to finance my review because my future is at risk or not because my savings is intended already for my medicare because my health is also at risk.
Like how I would react on this one,
I am suicidal.
Yes. I am.
Like I don't know already what to do with my life, it is the last resort I know would stop the problems and the pain.
Yet, I have my God.
I love my Mom.
My brother still needs me.
I'm thinking selfishness.
And my Church duties is not yet settled.
So like a faithful servant of God do, I pray.
I prayed and begged God to heal my heart.
I prayed that he would give me strength to still find the courage to still live my life.
Next day came, I don't know yet what will happen.
I just need to believe in God that he would hear my prayers.
I started the change in my bedroom.
I cleaned and let everything fall into its proper places.
I go out eventually and do my laundry, cleaned the kitchen and dusk off in the living room.
Lunch came and I was still battling with myself.
At exactly 12:30pm I sent a message to my Boyfriend. Telling him what I'm up to but then, it wasn't a good conversation. I was left with a notion in my head that we're falling apart. So again, I cried myself to sleep that afternoon.
When I woke up late 5pm, I received a text message from my Mom asking me about the payments and so I assumed she's into it. Thanks God,because I decided to live than to chase my dream. If it wasn't settled, I would choose my medicare over my CPA dream. I can't be a CPA if I was dead already by that time, aight?
Then evening came, I sent a message to my boyfriend.
Hopefully he is in the mood already to talk to me in a nice way. He responded like I shouldn't worry because he still loves me but I still feel the pang inside my chest.
He's cold and my heart is racing at the thought of losing him. Instead of focusing on the problem with him, I focused on my work. I distracted myself into the workload the office has for me. I don't have the energy to explain anymore. Once is enough and I didn't like how he treated me and how he made me feel afterwards. Afterall, I know my worth. I know when enough is enough. At this point I will let this one passed once more but would be mindful.
You see? My life is far from being perfect but I am proud on the improvements of how I deal with it.
Big factor is the indestructible bond I created with my Creator and the life lessons my past mistakes has thought me.
It is how you react on the problems that trully matters.
Cry when you need to. Feel the pain when you have to. For you are a human, flawed and alive. It's really hard to be human at times but when you know that your life's purpose is serving God, you can get though it.
Thankfully, my faith in him is stronger than my emotions.
Saturday. I ruin my own schedule.
Originally, I had to attend to a duty early in the morning but to my surprise, I'm not well when I woke up. Hours later, I'm in a lot of pain already. Then it hit me. It's the time of the month already.
Happily accepted my situation and feeling thankful it came right in time but I had to endure the pain.
But then the pain becomes unbearable.
I cried and prayed to ease the pain but I already suspected that this is another condition other than simply dysmenorrhea.
Let's skip that part where I confirmed my expectations.
Accepted the condition my OB told me, I decided to come into my senses and do what I gotta do like nothing happened. Internally, I'm breaking and scared. Of course, I will always have that scare for myself, for my future, for my dreams and the impact it would give to my mother.
When evening came, I tried to tell my boyfriend my condition. Disappointed, he was not in the mood to be patient with me to understand. So I just cried myself to sleep like I always do.
Next day came and I'm still thinking about it.
How much money I would need to cover my expenses on medicare without being a burden to my hardworking Mom. I know that we are financially broke this month knowing we did not receive the income we are expecting to flow to cover my brother's tuition fee and my tuition for review classes.
Like I always do, I go on with my life and tell no one what mess I was in. I'm still mad and hurt with my boyfriend so I decided not to entertain any text messages and ignore whatever communication apps he wants to connect with me. If he don't have the time to understand me, then I don't have time to entertain his bullshits too. I have so much in plate already to settle than to have an emotional breakdown. I'm a total wreck already. Physically not fine plus emotionally drained.
I tried my very best to look good on the days I should be looking pale and sick. I don't want anybody to notice my weakness thinking it would just add to my misery.
Luckily, I have my concern boy friends to always look upon me. They know, I don't need to tell. True friends e? They always remind me to take my meds, to take a walk or work out and always ask how I was feeling. Just how grateful I am I have this people in my life. They are also reviewing in Manila right now but they always find time to check on me even in their busiest schedules.
Next day came, it was devastating.
Like I woke up everyday with sore eyes and deal with my life like the night that passed wasn't hurting.
I went to my review classes and just how life is throwing everything to me all at once, I had to face another problem.
It took me hours thinking on how I would break to my Mom the news that my payments are due. And I'm actually 2 days late. Shocks! I've been feeling all the bad news that came earlier to notice that deadline.
So I bravely embrace myself for her reactions.
And to my dismay, even how strong I can be I will always have to deal with the realities of life.
My world stops at the thought of me not taking the CPA Board examination. We don't have the means to pay the balance and it sucks because I was battling between withdrawing my savings to finance my review because my future is at risk or not because my savings is intended already for my medicare because my health is also at risk.
Like how I would react on this one,
I am suicidal.
Yes. I am.
Like I don't know already what to do with my life, it is the last resort I know would stop the problems and the pain.
Yet, I have my God.
I love my Mom.
My brother still needs me.
I'm thinking selfishness.
And my Church duties is not yet settled.
So like a faithful servant of God do, I pray.
I prayed and begged God to heal my heart.
I prayed that he would give me strength to still find the courage to still live my life.
Next day came, I don't know yet what will happen.
I just need to believe in God that he would hear my prayers.
I started the change in my bedroom.
I cleaned and let everything fall into its proper places.
I go out eventually and do my laundry, cleaned the kitchen and dusk off in the living room.
Lunch came and I was still battling with myself.
At exactly 12:30pm I sent a message to my Boyfriend. Telling him what I'm up to but then, it wasn't a good conversation. I was left with a notion in my head that we're falling apart. So again, I cried myself to sleep that afternoon.
When I woke up late 5pm, I received a text message from my Mom asking me about the payments and so I assumed she's into it. Thanks God,because I decided to live than to chase my dream. If it wasn't settled, I would choose my medicare over my CPA dream. I can't be a CPA if I was dead already by that time, aight?
Then evening came, I sent a message to my boyfriend.
Hopefully he is in the mood already to talk to me in a nice way. He responded like I shouldn't worry because he still loves me but I still feel the pang inside my chest.
He's cold and my heart is racing at the thought of losing him. Instead of focusing on the problem with him, I focused on my work. I distracted myself into the workload the office has for me. I don't have the energy to explain anymore. Once is enough and I didn't like how he treated me and how he made me feel afterwards. Afterall, I know my worth. I know when enough is enough. At this point I will let this one passed once more but would be mindful.
You see? My life is far from being perfect but I am proud on the improvements of how I deal with it.
Big factor is the indestructible bond I created with my Creator and the life lessons my past mistakes has thought me.
It is how you react on the problems that trully matters.
Cry when you need to. Feel the pain when you have to. For you are a human, flawed and alive. It's really hard to be human at times but when you know that your life's purpose is serving God, you can get though it.
Comments
Post a Comment