DEPRESSION - A SURVIVOR

I'm writing this after tears.
I'm writing this inspired by Ms. Andii Rodriguez after watching her latest vid regarding mental health.
No, I am not triggered by the vid.
I AM A SURVIVOR.
A survivor only few knows about this journey. I can count exactly 6 people who knows about this, only the trusted ones for its sensitivity and for my own privacy.

Yes. I am the strong, independent and smart woman of today. And still on the process of accepting all my past insecurities, doubts and pain.

Only few knows how a simple break-up triggers the foundation of my being to a total breakdown.

It was in year 2015 when I finally admitted that I am suffering from depression. It was also in February 2017 where I get myself to a hospital due to severe bleeding and had my check up, only to found out I was sick.

I lost all my control.
It was like my life is that bricks in Jingga, one wrong pull and it all break down into pieces.

And this blog was made intended to heal myself. To be able to write all my thoughts and pains and sufferings.

Way back 2015, I decided to speak to my Mom. Makes that excuse over my schedule for her to let me live on my own. It was an escape. I'm hurting. Hurting to the point where I silently cried myself to sleep every night. I lost my interest on my acads and everything. It was only my church duties that put me standing still that time. I pretended to be okay AT ALL TIMES because I'm afraid people will judge me for being weak and emotional. I'm afraid that people will see me a SIN as I see myself back then.

I started living in Naga in November,2015. It was hard but I manage to survive.

I was damn tired IN EVERYTHING.
I lose my purpose. I lose my visions in life. I function as I was entitled to be.

Dated January 17, 2016.

I decided to bought a diary. It was an impulse spending but I am grateful I did. I can narrate this while handling it.

" ... This is my new life. I'm alive without a life. Breathing the air, inhaling the same air. My life is a fucked up one. Pathetic! But I did this to myself. I choose to be a slave of my own emotions. I choose to feel everything, to cry when I'm hurting, hoping it will be gone later on. But again, I was wrong.

Sino bang niloloko ko na OKAY ako? I know may mali sa pagkatao ko ngayon. Or should I say. "Hindi na ako to!" I really admit that. Sadly, I can't fight my own self, my own thoughts and emotions to live the life again. To be happy, carefree, jolly and alive again. I'll be 'Painhearted Ashlei' always.

I wish someone may save me from drowning, tell me to moved on and have a life again. To care when I don't care at all. To understand though I'm not understandable. To just be there whenever I need someone to lean on. To be willing to be my handkerchief and pillow when I needed a cry.

But then, NO ONE is there. I'm alone in this journey of desperation to move on. To live a life.

DEPRESSION it is. I'm on the verge of drowning from this pain. A rope in my neck willing to kill. And a hope that is wreck by circumstances that make me weak."

I can still clearly remembered that night when I was alone in that room. With my tears flowing down my face, I wrote this entry. And again, I cried myself that night and begged God to heal my heart.

And reading the next pages of this diary is a LOT more painful than the first one.

It was hard to fight a battle all by yourself. No one was there to listen. I'm afraid to speak up too knowing I wouldn't be heard. They see me as the opposite of what I truly feels.

"Give me strength my dear God. Ikaw na lang ang meron ako." Tumatangis, nakaluhod. Yan ang laman ng mga panalangin ko.

Good thing, I didn't lost that faith.
I admit, I blamed him for all the things that happened but I regret that afterwards.

I also have that scar from the past on my left wrist.
And everytime I will see this, I only say "Thank you. For giving me another life to live in."

I found my purpose now, and that is to serve him.