OVERTHINKING ..

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 Dumating na ako sa point ng relasyon namin na alam kong 'ako na' ang mas nagmamahal at natatakot nanaman ako na maubos dahil dito. Paano ko isasalba ang sarili ko sa pagkasira? Ayoko na ulit. Ayoko na ulit na maranasan ang mga nangyari noon na sumira halos ng buong pagkatao ko. Ayoko na. Pagod na ako. Sana pala hindi nalang.. Sana pala pinigilan ko nalang sarili ko na magmahal ulit. Sana pala inenjoy ko nalang sarili kong company , nagpakaintrovert at nagfocus sa career and wealth goals ko edi sana hindi nnaman ako nag iisip ng kung anu-ano.


Natatakot ako sa mga possibilities na pwedeng mangyari after ng training niya, pagnakauwi na siya. May pagbabago ba? Mahal niya parin kaya aq ng totoo? Nagsawa kaya siya sa LDR Set up namin at naghanap ng iba? Ayos pa ba kami? Okay pa kaya kami? Hays. Andaming tanong pero walang sasagot kasi tanging siya lang ang makakasagot. Nararamdaman ko na ang panlalamig, ang pag-iiba ng pakikitungo. Wala na akong maramdamang takot mula sakanya na baka iwan niya nalang ako at ipagpalit sa iba bigla. Iniignore niya narin ang presensya ko na tanging sa Messenger nalang nga nagpaparamdam di pa magawang magreply pero nakakareact sa posts ng iba. Ang sakit! 😭💔 Paulit ulit na dinudurog ang puso ko sa tuwing makikita ko ang pangalan niya sa mga nakareact posts sa petsang ang alam ko ay di siya nakakapag online dahil nasa bundok siya. Samantalang heto ako, parang timang na umaasang mareplyan kahit tuldok lang. Ang sakit! 😭 💔 kasi hindi ko alam hanggang kelan ba ako maghihintay. Naghihintay ako na umuwi siya, naghihintay na pansinin niya, naghihintay na ipriority niya naman minsan. Nakakainis! Oo, nagddoubt na ako. At ito mas nakakatakot,GUT FEELS.GUT FEELS ko na napakalakas na tipong never nagkakamali during my undergrad years na sinasabing "Huwag na Huwag kang papayag magpakasal!" sakali mang mag alok na siya. Hays. I'm not getting any younger. Pero kung hindi parin siya,ayoko na pala. Kasi pagod na ako. Lagi nalang akong taken-for-granted. Laging sinasawalang bahala. Laging sinasaktan. Laging iniiwan at pinagpapalit. Pagod na akong maghabol. Pagod nang maghintay at umasa.

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