The Minimalist Diary

 That hit me. I never heal. I know I am still hurting. I know the trauma is still there. I know I'm still afraid. I know I am scared na baka nga totoo.  I just buried it at the back of my mind. Takot ako na baka wala ng magmamahal sakin gaya ng pagmamahal na binigay niya. Takot ako na baka eto nalang talaga ako, looking for the kind of love na hindi ako magsesettle for less, na secured ako at may assurance. Kasi ang hirap magbigay ng buong pagtitiwala. Ang hirap magbigay ng buong pagmamahal. Ang hirap ng laging nag ooverthink. Alam ko pinaparusahan ko sarili ko. Alam ko di ko pa napapatawad sarili ko. Wala akong regret sa desisyon ko pero alam ko di ko magawang maging masaya kasi wala namang nagbibigay ng assurance sakin na deserve ko mahalin ng buo. Ang dami kong insecurities. Ang dami dami kong tanong sa utak ko na di ko mailabas. Ni magtanong nanginginig pa ako. Kasi paano kung ako lang yung handa? Paano kung makaoffend ako or makaturn off? I had to file a leave today. Kasi...

 For the past 2 days, hindi ko nanaman makontrol ang emosyon ko. Hindi na naman ako okay. Masyado nanaman akong nag iisip, natatakot. Hindi ko alam bakit dumarating ako sa point na tumutulo nalang yung mga luha ko na parang gripo ng wala namang dahilan. Andami ko nanaman kasing time mag isip. Hindi nnaman ako busy sa work. Hays. Akala ko masaya na ulit ako. Malaya, may pera, mas naaalagaan ko na ang sarili ko pero okay ako on the outside, kabaliktaran naman pag usapang mentalidad na. Hindi ko parin magawang magpatawad. Hindi ko parin magawang magmove on. Winasak nila ang pagkatao ko, ang kumpiyansa sa sarili na ilang taon kong binuo. Walang pumupuwang para manatili akong positibo. Mag isa kong dinadala ang lahat dahil ayokong maging pabigat sa kaninuman. Hindi ko alam kung sumpa ba to o totoong may sakit na ako. Habang sinusulat ko to, umiiyak nnaman ako. Ang bigat bigat nnaman ng dibdib ko. Pagod na ako pero alam ko matatapos lang to kapag nakatulog na ako ng diretso. Normal pa ba...

Lately naiisip kong itigil nalang lahat at magsimula ng panibagong yugto ng buhay. Nagawa ko naman na magsimula ulit e. Nagawa ko ng paunti unti. Siguro tama na yung "Hihintayin ko nalang na mapagod na ako tapos kusa nalang sia bumitaw." Pero alam ko kasi na hindi ako mapapagod. Kagaya ng hindi naman ako napagod mahalin si Rhenzo noon e, nasanay nalang ako na wala na siya hanggang totoong wala ng natirang pagmamahal ako para sakanya. Hindi ko kasi alam e. Wala akong ideya. Walang plano. Walang pinatutunguhan ang lahat. Lagi nalang akong naiinggit, naiinsecure, naaawa sa sarili kasi maraming bagay ang hindi ko maramdaman, ang hindi namin magawa ng magkasama. Lagi nalang akong nagkukunwaring "Okay naman ako. Masaya naman kami. Sanay na ako." pero ang totoo ..hinding hindi ata ako masasanay. Hindi ako sanay ng wala sia. Hindi ako sanay ng hindi sia ng uupdate. Hindi ako sanay na wala siyang paramdam. Hindi ako sanay pero kinakaya ko kasi nga wala naman ako choice diba?...

 Nasa punto ako ngayon ng buhay ko na hindi ko na alam ang gagawin.. I am lost again in my train of thoughts. I am actually reading .. pero lumilipad ang utak ko. Siguro kasi naHIT nnaman yung soft spot ko.. yung pamilya ko. Nasaktan nnaman ako ng sarili kong pamilya. 💔 Hindi ko rin alam e kung bakit sa dinami dami ng pananakit nila hindi parin ako namamanhid. Ilang araw ko nnaman kaya to didibdibin? Hanggang kelan ko kelangan patunayan ang sarili ko? Hanggang kelan nila ako ippressure na ibigay ang mga bagay na hindi ko kaya ibigay? Pagod na ako. Kinakaya ko lang. Kasi sa isip ko "Malapit naman na matapos. Konti nalang. Konti nalang .. ako naman." Pero hindi e. Parang di nauubos. Parang laging may kulang. Parang gusto ko nalang maglaho. Sobrang pressured ko. Di ko alam kung bakit di nila nakikita yun. Napapagod din naman ako. Pero wala akong choice e. May pangarap ako para sa sarili ko. Pangarap ko ring maibangon ang sarili ko. Gusto ko rin makatravel. Gusto ko rin magkaroo...

 I used to believe in God's time but now I would say, "Take action and pray. He will guide you to the right destination." For the last 4 years of my career, I have been struggling in finding the right fit for me. I didn't take them seriously because I am not the kind of person to get too attached to people at work most especially to a kind of work I don't enjoy doing. I love Accounting. I was surprised actually to love it after graduation. Prior to enrolment to the course, all I have in mind is "This is the fastest way towards the dream ..my ladder to law school." That was the ultimate dream. After graduation and landing ny first job as an internal audit, I got in love with accounting. Unfortunately, the company did not regularise me. I understand. I chose to go to Pampanga without their permission. It was a very crucial decision. It tainted my record but I did not regret it. Never I had regret it. That was when I realised I wasn't fit to a job that ...

  This day has been so tiring. I am hating the fact that I can't really go on the day as planned. The things I can't control annoyed me that I just want to throw myself in the river. As much as I wanted to move on with my life with a brand new hope that I could finish what needs to be done right away, I am feeling stuck with the thoughts in my head. "Be contented and be grateful." That was the line that keeps on playing in my head last night. They say in order to be happy you have to be contented. You have to be grateful. Maybe this is the thing that is lacking for the past months. Ever since I started working again, I feel pressured to make "bawi" with the year that has been lost trying to figure out what I really want to do with my life. I want to put everything in place. I want to have control over my life again. I want a lot of things that sometimes I feel like I am not living the present. I am pressured to live a life in the future. I tried to be pres...

  The lifestyle I created for myself is too expensive that I am always on the go to get it! ✨ • Crystal Bracelets • Gold Necklace • Books • Bedsheets and Curtains • Minimalist and Versatile Capsule Wardrobe • Ballpens and Notebooks/Journals I know these are all material things but believe me, I feel great knowing I get to inhale good energy, read a good book, look good for myself, felt having a clean and organized room/workstation and was able to write down my thoughts. It is not the material things for me, it is the purpose of this things. I no longer feel guilty about it because  1. I am and still building my Emergency Fund while I enjoy my hard earned money.  - Thank you to the JAR SYSTEM introduced to me by the NFG Community. 🥰 2. I am insured.  - Thank you to my great FA. 3. I am making my money work for me. - Passive income through multiple investment. 4. I have multiple stream of incomes. - Secret! Mas rarami to this year. Ramdam ko na ngarag days pero lavern...