The Minimalist Diary

  This year is nearly ending .. and I had to admit,this one broke me. Nakakamiss din pala magsulat ulit. Haha. It has been months of me being lost, bewildered, spiritually and emotionally unstable. I am not able to be active as months before. I wasn't selling, I wasn't exercising, I wasn't journaling, I wasn't reading, I wasn't biking, I wasn't writing. I am now aware of the things I used to do but not anymore. That is something I should be grateful. I was indenial for months. I am trying to forget and to cope up. I needed to survive. I promised I wasn't the same person I used to be a year ago. I wouldn't commit to making a mistake again of stopping my life, of trying to escape the reality. Oo, masakit. Oo, naapektuhan parin ako paminsan minsan pero madalas alam kong kaya ko na. Only few knows because I don't want people who look up to me feel sad or be down too. Ate nila ako. Kelangan kong maging malakas, matibay at role model sa kanila pero tao p...

Inaatake nnaman ako ng Anxiety ko. Pagod na pagod na ako umiyak at matulog. Okay naman ako kanina pero ngayon kung anu-ano nnaman iniisip ko. Minsan di ko narin alam bakit ang bigat bigat ng dibdib ko. Bakit lagi nalang ako ganto? Gusto ko ng makakausap pero hindi ko alam kung sino. Lagi naman akong walang kausap. Haha. Ang pathetic ng buhay ko. Laging nasa isip ko baka wala naman makakaintindi sakin. Baka makaistorbo lang ako. Baka isipin nila nag iinarte lang ako. Baka sabihin nila Oa lang ako. Kasi bakit nga ba? Bakit ako ganto? Okay naman lahat diba? Pero bakit naiiyak ako? Bakit nasasaktan ako? Bakit natatakot ako? Bakit ang lungkot lungkot ko?  Hindi ko po ba tlga deserve sumaya? Ilang taon naman na Lord. Baka naman pwd niyo na ako pahilumin. Alam ko nasakin din ang problema. Hindi ko mapatawad sarili ko. Nagpapanggap akong okay na ako pero hanggang ngayon takot parin ako. Takot ako kahit sa maliliit na bagay lang na magpapapaalala sakin ng sumpa.  6 na taon ko ng pinapa...

 I don't know what's worse, me pretending that I had moved on from the trauma or me realizing I am punishing myself. 🥺🥺 Whenever I saw a vid of a couple I wish we could be, I couldn't held but shred some tears because realistically that wouldn't happen. For 4 years, I already know what I allow him to do with us,with our relationship. Siguro tinanggap ko nalang na "Ito nalang tlga siguro ang deserved ko." And then I would go back to his phrases, "You will never find someone who could love you and treat you the way I used to." Ninong passed away yesterday morning. The only  reason I got not to hate the place completely. The place where all the memories,good and bad, actually happened. Gusto kong paniwalain ang sarili ko na okay na ako. For the past 6 years, ang OA ko na kung hindi padin mawala ang sakit. It is not the hurt that haunting me,it is the consequences of my actions. I let go kasi naduwag ako. I let go kasi feeling ko nabetray ako. I let go...

 I don't know how a short video of a friend can trigger this emotion inside of me ... envy. I am happy for her,really, but I'm wishing I could experience the same. I'm wishing I'm in a normal relationship too right now and I hate it. I hate it because I am feeling guilty of what I am feeling right now.🥺 Is it really too much to ask for more,to demand for more than I could deserve? Because I am trying .. I really am trying to understand the situation but I am having doubts already. The consistency is gone. It was like I am in a relationship but it felt lonely I am better off alone and single. Hays. I thought this feelings were gone already. I was wrong. I just kept on justifying his actions. Maybe I should think harder this time. I am having doubts. I am having second thoughts. I am starting to feel something I shouldn't have .. regrets. It felt like I am wasting my time spending it to someone who doesn't value me as much as I value him. It felt like I am loving...

For years, I have pushed the idea at the back of my mind simply because I am ALWAYS considering someone in making my life decisions.But what if all this time, I do not matter in his life? What if ako lang yung laging willing to adjust and magtiis sa sitwasyon? WHY AM I DISAPPOINTED? Dumating nnaman ba ako sa puntong ginawa kong mundo yung dapat ay tao lang? Pero hindi e. Feeling ko naman nadala na ako.Feeling ko naman may buhay ako outside the relationship. I am just this disappointed kasi hindi ako pinigilan. Hindi ko alam kung pareho lang ba kaming takot kasi iniiwasan namin yung topic ng 'kasal'. We always thought about having kids but not marriage. Pero okay nadin siguro yun. Para di ako mg expect at umasa diba? With all the pressures that is around right now, my mother wanting to have grandkids and my neighbourhood and acquaintances asking if when will I get married? Atleast I get to know tonight that THERE IS NO PLAN. Can I move on now? Haha. Siguro yun yung best to do. N...

NP: LAGI by Skusta Clee Nakakasenti naman tong kanta. Haha. Dear Sungit, Wala e. Namimiss ko lang yung times na ganto na napapasenti ako tapos dadalhin mo ako sa may dagat or sa usual fave spot natin. Kwentuhan lang hanggang umaga about sa mga plano in the future. Sobrang inosente pa natin nun. Ang simple lang ng mga pangarap natin, ako maging lawyer ikaw maging chef at resort owner pero ngayon ang komplikado na ng mundo natin. Ibang iba sa mga napag usapan natin dati. Ngayon lang ako ngwonder, 9yrs old palang tayo ng uusap na tayo tapos ilang taon din tayo magkasama pero di tayo nawalan ng topic? Hahahaha. Sabi nila ang tahimik ko raw? Lol. For sure ngroroll na mata mo pagnarinig mo yun. Wala na ako makausap ngayon. Ang busy nila e. Ikaw kahit busy ka nagsasabi ka agad paghindi na,pag pwede na kta kulitin. Minsan nga kahit busy ka andun padin ako diba? Pinapanuod lang kta hindi ako ngsasalita? Kahit ang dami dami mo kinakausap, nakikita lang kita pero ang payapa ng puso ko. Pero ngayo...

 Naiinis ako. Bakit may mga lalaking ganto? Mga feeling pavictim. Yung ibabalik sa babae ang sisi once na makipaghiwalay na. Bakit? Feeling nyo ba andali dali lang para sa mga babae ang bumitaw? NO. Ilang gabing umiiyak yan, nag ooverthink kung itutuloy paba or bibitaw na, ilang chances muna binigay nyan sayo para bumawi ka, patunayan sarili mo na mali iniisip nya bago sia tuluyang bumitaw. Napagod na yan. Pinagod mo kaya wala na siyang ibang choice kundi iwan ka.  Mahaba habang katangahan pa muna bago tuluyang bumitaw. Umaasang magbabago kapa. Napakatoxic na tao! Makasarili. Inuuto mo nalang ang babae kapag ibalik mo pa sakanya ang sisi sa mga pagkukulang mo sakanya. I always believe in "Do your best effort during the relationship because once it ended, you can never turn back time." That's the thing I mostly regret before kasi natakot ako e. Natakot akong ipakitang mahal na mahal ko yung tao kaya nung nawala andami kong regrets. Sana pala pumayag na ako sa mga bagay na ...